Day 2: who do I talk to?

Day 2 of quitting Facebook has been…lonely.

I work for myself, and most of the magic happens in my home office.  What I realized quickly when I went full time years ago, is that it is lonely to have no coworkers.

I quickly found my way to communicate with others and get an almost immediate response with Facebook.  After all, who needs coworkers and banter at the water cooler when you have 200+ friends to share your day with and tell jokes?

But after a few years of only having digital friends to entertain me during the day, I somehow crossed a line.  Instead of sharing funny jokes and happy pictures, I began sharing my gripes and complaints about clients and projects.  So much so that two of my friends (relatively new friends) pulled me aside in person and told me they didn’t approve of my conduct.  I am thankful for their concern, and quite frankly their bravery in being honest.  It’s one of the first things that led me to wanting to log out for good.

Anyway, today I was lonely and that’s what I noticed most.  I’m going to need to find a way to calm this lonely feeling in a productive way.  Because I can’t text my boyfriend all day, I’ll drive him mad.

-M

Day 1: I had to look once…

Day 1 in the Facebook experiment.  As a self-prescribed social media addict I can say it’s annoying trying to quit.

I’ve posted only one or two articles from my new administrator account for my business page, and they aren’t getting any views.  I’m worried that because my new account isn’t the owner of the business page it’s not posting correctly.  So to calm my worry about this potential issue I had to log back in under the “real” me.  To be honest I still can’t tell you if posting to the business in the new way is affecting performance or not.  Facebook is so damn confusing and I think they do it on purpose.

I’m noticing that I’ve grabbed my phone quite often throughout the day to for no reason.  I assume the reason I’m grabbing it is because I’m looking to “check” Facebook. But since the app is not on my phone and I’ll soon be “gone” I just put it down.  I have checked other forms of social media on my phone more often than I usually do.  Namely Instagram. I think my brain is searching for distraction in the form of stimulation, which is kind of pathetic when I think about it.  

After dinner I’m doing the dishes and I’m thinking about my friends on Facebook.  What are they saying, how was their day?My book club friends might not remember to tell me which book we are reading this month…should I log in and tell them not to forget me!?  No.  I can simply text one of them and find out.

Bedtime was easier than I thought it would be, and I probably slept better too.  I didn’t have anything to scroll through for an hour while laying in the dark.  I probably fell asleep within 15 minutes.

Anxiety is still there, but I made it through the day!

-M

30 days of real life.

Social media is a killer for me.  I have bipolar.  Sometimes I’m normal, sometimes I’m depressed, and sometimes I’m a total shit-show on the inside.  My problem is that my use of social media reflects quite clearly what is going on in my head to me.  It is an outlet.  But to others, it may seem like I’m a little too invested.  Quiting has been on my mind, but it gives me anxiety to think about not knowing what is going on.

I made my decision to quit Facebook on Oct 29th during an incredibly intense panic attack.  My boyfriend and I were having a small fight, which is one of my triggers, and I was losing my mind.  He wasn’t feeling up for talking so he went to bed. (We don’t live together.)  I was obsessed with keeping myself distracted from my anxiety to avoid the bad cycle I get into, and mindlessly scrolling Facebook was the only way I could do it.  I was a mess.  I was sobbing uncontrollably for hours doing everything I could NOT to post or comment and it hit me.  This is a dangerous crutch.

So I disabled my account.  Which, I will admit, caused me some more anxiety.

I own a small business and not only is it a good idea to have a Facebook page for your business, but I have a marketing firm that I pay lots of money every month, some of which goes to Facebook.  So as much as I want away, I have to keep my business page from turning off.

October 31st

I found out that when I deactivated my account, my business page went with it.  In order to keep the business page up, a person with a Facebook account has to be the owner.  I refused to let Facebook keep me completely trapped, so I re-activated my account and used a secondary email to create a new personal page just so I could have the business page remain active, under the new “rogue me.”

However, in doing so I realized that I am the administrator on another page as well as the creator of some groups and an event I’m hosting on November 5th.

I transferred admin status to my new “rogue” account so that all my groups and pages won’t die without me.  After all, I still want my friends to be able to enjoy those groups.  But I could not transfer ownership of the event.  

So until November 5th I still have my Facebook account.  But I have removed the app from my phone and have ensured I only log in from my new “rogue” account to post things relevant to my business.

Each day of this month I want to write about how I feel, what I notice and experience, and comment on what it’s like to live disconnected after quite an awful addiction.  Then I’ll decide if it’s worth getting back on again.

I will have a new category for these posts, and each day will be logged there.

-M

Fall into peace.

The time changed today.  Falling back usually means more energy for me, which is the opposite of what many bipolar people feel this time of year.

Season change always worries me.  Will I over do it?  Will I fall into a massive slump?  Will I turn loose the monster?  Will I become forgetful?  Will I embarrass myself, loose clients, spend all my money, and wind up in the hospital?  Most people just hate their loss of an hour in the spring and love the gain of it back in the fall.  I fear that my entire life will fall apart, because that is what I know to be true in the past.

Looking back I can’t remember one single summer, before ECT, that wasn’t plagued by either a depression so severe I was on “suicide watch,” or on the flip side so manic that no one knew what the hell I was doing.  In fact, both of these mental states have left me very unclear about how I have felt in long past summers since memory loss is a symptom of both depression and hypo-mania.

I have to say that this summer has been the most overwhelming and upsetting summer in my 2+ year remission that I have ever had.  I was so fatigued I couldn’t climb mountains without stopping more than several times to rest, something that never affected me in the past.  I didn’t make it to the top of the Great Sand Dunes, something I have accomplished before, many times in my life.  Even just running a mile a day felt physically impossible.  So I just stopped trying.

Maybe I was just manic in the past, and that is where the energy came from?  No…that can’t be right.  Maybe I am just slightly depressed this year and there is less energy?  No…I couldn’t feel more positively about my place in this world right now.

So what then?  This is the longest period of time I have ever been so consistent.  I get up in the morning, I go to bed at night.  EVEN ON WEEKENDS.  It’s super weird, and super awesome to feel like I finally fit in with the normals…only, something isn’t right because I am still so fatigued.

I have moved through a few different diets, and landed on the gluten free diet this month, three more weeks of this and we will see if there is a change.  Blood tests for B12, vitamin D, blood sugar, thyroid, blah, blah…are all coming back this week too.  Perhaps it is not bipolar related at all, perhaps it is a physical thing?  But that is not really why I am writing today.

Really I was just so sure in my heart that this time change is going to be the answer.  Because every year I always feel so much better in the fall.  I have never been to the hospital during the fall-spring  it has always been spring-summer.  The only problem is that I am traveling this week.  Damn, I sure forgot about that until today.

I am traveling East to West: the worst kind of travel that a bipolar person can do-ever.  

It is for my dear friend’s wedding and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.  But I am going to have to be diligent about bedtime, waking up time, no alcohol, no exerting activity, no busy places, no caffeine, and no over stimulation.  Last time I went to California, it was right before the spring time change and 2 months later I was on a hypo-manic roll so bad I landed right into the hands of the ECT doctor at the mental hospital.

Time is a scary thing for us, so watch yourselves BP friends. Lay low for a few weeks.  No major decisions, no big spending, no extra activities. For some of us depression creeps when the sun sleeps.  While for the rest of us, our inner night owls come out to play.

Be wise, owls.

-M

 

ECT Question

Help!  

I had ECT in July of 2014. I only went through with 5 treatments because I hated it, though it helped my impulse control a bit.

Since then my ears have literally not stopped ringing.

It is a high pitched noise in both ears and it plays in the background at all times.  I always have music on when I’m working to avoid the distraction.

I’ve told my psychiatrist this and he seemed to think nothing of it.  He said he’d never heard of that before, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a possibility.  

Has anyone else experienced this?  Anyone? It has been a year and a half, will it ever go away?

-M

All good things must come to an end.

Relapse.

Nothing bad.  Nothing dangerous.  Nothing scary.

But it sure ain’t good.

I blew through my entire savings account in 7 months.  I have no consistent paycheck, and I am waiting on client invoices.  I am scared. I am broke. I am disappointed in myself-again.

I stopped remembering my medication again.  So yeah, there’s that.

I have had at least 4 full blown panic attacks in the last month.  On the train, at union station, during meetings, at a bar…

Breathe in – breathe out.

Start over.

Relapse doesn’t mean the hospital unless I continue to fall down the rabbit hole.  

The positive: I’ve learned to recognize relapse in the beginning.  

It’s what I do about it now that will shape my survival.

-M

Depression creeps when the sun sleeps…

Here I sit at the near end of summer and I caught myself giving some advice to a loved one.  “Watch the depression,” I said, “The season change is about to come.”

How had I not thought of this for myself yet?  Every year I tend to do much better in the fall when the over-stimulating light of the summer sun begins to wane earlier and earlier each evening.  However if I am not careful, I can easily become depressed, like so many others that face bipolar every day.

One day it’s sleeping in a little bit too late, the next day it’s sleeping in a lot bit too late, and if you aren’t careful three weeks go by and you are sleeping 12 hours a night every single night.

Some symptoms that I think are important to look for in yourself and others that you may be helping cope are as follows.

Loss of interest in social activities 

I don’t want to go book club, or even read this horrible stupid awful book.  Why on earth would I want to go to that AM seminar that I loved going to all summer, and have to force myself to meet new people?   Uh, go running with my buddy? How about I don’t and just lay down early tonight instead? (For the 5^th time this week)

No motivation to do hobbies

Write my blog? No.  Sketch?  Not feeling it.  Why on earth would I go harvest veggies from the garden?  I spent all summer just growing them.   How about I practice a little zoning out staring out the window and feeling sorry for myself instead?

No motivation to do or go to work

I can work on it later, I am self employed.  If I get my shift covered I can put in vacation hours for this week and still make money.  I hardly call in sick; one day isn’t going to get me in trouble.  I’ll get back in the saddle tomorrow, I promise.

Changes in appetite

Mmmm… I’ll eat later.  I have had enough calories today.  Wait, when was the last time I ate?  Yesterday?  Oh well, I am really comfortable here on the sofa, I’ll get to eat something before bed.

OR

                Food, food, food!  I want all of the food.  Artichoke hearts and pickles and bananas and chocolate?  Sounds like what I need in my belly right now!  Maybe a whole bag of cheetos will be fine just this once.  I’ll be better tomorrow; I am just so fucking hungry!

Inability to fall asleep or stay asleep

Just one more episode… I am fine at getting up to the alarm. I have five alarms set; it would take a moron to sleep through that!  Oh shit, I have to be up in 3 hours!  I guess I could just take a nap after work or in between clients tomorrow.  It will work out.

Inability to get the fuck out of bed at the right time

Oh no!  I slept through five alarms?!  How on earth is that possible?  Well, I am already late so I might as well take another hour so I can be super well rested for the afternoon and get a lot accomplished. (And then accomplish nothing.)

It may seem or feel so innocent at the time, but these tiny little habits can be the start of a really bad storm brewing.  This is what I have done to start making sure I am okay during the fall time change.

Monitor your medication compliance

Are you taking your meds on time every time?  Really?  REALLY?

Ok, just checking.

And if you aren’t, fucking DO IT ALREADY!  Figure out a new method, rhythm, routine.  Have someone help you, ask your doctor if you can take it during a different part of the day or night.  Do whatever it takes.  This is the simplest and best way to start getting back, or staying, on track.

Figure it out.  NOW.

Amp up the exercise!

I put it on my calendar, I run with buddies, I go to more yoga, I schedule hikes, and I refuse to let myself fall below 2-3 times per week.  Exercise, even just walking at a good pace, gets your heart beating and the good endorphins flowing!  I am no doctor, but this shit is the best natural medication on earth.

Not only does it work faster than any antidepressant it is free as shit to walk, run, or mosey on down the damn street.  Hell if you live in an apartment, they might have a gym.  If they don’t have a gym and you are low on funds, and live in a bad part of town you can walk up and down the freaking stairs and hallways of your apartment building.

MOVE YOUR BODY.  I swear it will help.

I sleep better, eat more consistently, wake up without an alarm clock, and am in a better mood when I am running, walking, yoga-ing, and moving!  This is not going to go for everyone out there, but I have been able to come completely off of antidepressants since I started adding exercise (which you will read all about in part 5).

Make additional doctor and therapy appointments

I go usually once per month to my therapist, and once every two months to my psychiatrist, when I am well.  When I know the season is about to change I double this frequency just for a couple visits.

I know it costs more money, and you might think you are perfectly fine, but I consider this to be insurance.  Three or four extra visits to the doctor is a whole hell of a lot cheaper than a 10 day inpatient stay at the psych hospital, and it could save your damn life.

If you are on a sparser schedule with your doctor, like once every three to six months, then maybe you can just plan to add additional appointments at both the spring and the fall time change.  It will be worth it, in the long run.

In past years I have had the doctor make medication adjustments at this time in preparation for the season change that really helped.  So, just trust me.

And if you don’t love your doctor, get a freaking doctor that you love and would recommend!  If you wouldn’t send your best friend to him or her, then why the fuck are you seeing them?  Get on it.  Get to it.  Make the appointments ahead of time and be well!

Sleep

There are a million things you can do to get adequate sleep, but it is really difficult to wake during a depressive time.  If you need a sleep aid, talk to your doctor.

I love yoga, meditation, acupuncture, reading, bubble baths, and various other things in my life consistently that help me with regulating my sleep.  Try everything, make a list, check off what doesn’t work, and find what does.

Some things take time.  If you are exercising, it will take a couple of weeks before you are sleeping consistently.  The same can be said of acupuncture and mediation.  The key with everything is consistency.

Take a break from booze

Most of you probably know that it is bad to drink and be bipolar, and if this is news to you, then you can read all about it in the section on alcohol.

We all make our own personal choices once we leave the doctor’s office.  I choose to share my choice with my doctor, but one thing I know is that alcohol messes up your sleep schedule and your mood.

So, if you are someone who drinks alcohol, maybe give it a rest during the changing season.  Alcohol isn’t going anywhere.  It will still be there once you overcome this change, I promise.  And you will be all the better for it.

I personally like to order a sprite with a splash of cranberry and a cherry on top, so that I look like I have a cocktail when I go out booze free.  If you want something more manly, just order a cola.  No one is going to ask you what you are drinking.  Then you can fit in a bit more, and save some money.

Inform your friends and family

Not only your 2am person has to be in the know here.  You don’t even have to tell your friends and family you are feeling depressed or down.  Just let them know that in the fall, your mood is likely to change because of the change in the amount of daylight and other social factors like the holidays.

Maybe just ask them to let you know if you are getting bitchy, or mopey, or declining every single social invitation.  This doesn’t mean that if you say no once, they have the right to interrogate you, but if it becomes a regular occurrence they will notice it before you do.  Invite them to share this with you so you can get well!

Make time to yourself

Blog, write a damn book, sketch, watch trashy TV, read a book, watch the sunset, go have coffee, take yourself shopping, play some video games, surf the internet and social media, go to a concert, or whatever.  Just do some shit that you like to do.

Tell people no.  You need some ‘you’ time to refresh and rejuvenate.  Finish that painting, write that song, drive to that far off destination, and make yourself your most important person.  Because you are!

In the fall we start getting back to obligations with school, holidays, events, etc.  It is easy to get bogged way the hell down and forget that we can’t contribute if we aren’t well.

So go do what you need to do in order to be well!

Here is the point to all of this.  Whether you are new to your diagnosis, or if you have been running your show for many years now, these little things will creep up on you.  But so what?  Don’t worry about it.

Diabetics eat sugar, and people with heart disease eat greasy food.  People slip up, we are human.  Accept this.  Acknowledge this. Forgive yourself.  Fix it. Move on.

Next year, you’ll know better.  Next year, you will be telling your family member how to look out for the early warning signs of seasonal depression.

And hey – I am proud of you, because you are going to rock this mother fucking season change like no one’s business!

-M

Untitled

Some will take you only as you appear.

Others will take you as you truly are.

In one moment you can go from an “amazingly talented professional woman,” to the “crazy girl.”

The distinction between the two is nothing other than you sharing who you really are, and the conclusion is subjective. It’s not fair because your behavior hasn’t changed at all, and all you can do is have faith that others will see that there really is no difference between the two.

So proud of my remission was I, that I blindly let a man take me down.  Well, he didn’t mean to… but here is the thing I have learned about dating. It involves drinking, staying up WAY too late, still getting up early for work, and a lot of befuddled communication.

None of those things are productive for someone with bipolar.

So now, I finally feel confident enough in this guy to tell him I have bipolar, but I am in a vulnerable and insecure state at the moment.

A lot has changed.  I quit my part time job to attempt my business full time, and in the process I have lost some companionship with my former coworkers.  It gets a bit lonesome working for yourself.  I have become well recognized in the city that I have been working in as I have designed a public space and  everywhere I go I am introduced, announced, applauded, and looked at – something I have never experienced before.  People are praising me and I literally don’t know how to react.  I struggled for so many years to find my place in design and I finally have it and I feel frozen in terror for not knowing how to respond socially or professionally.  Thousands of people have seen my drawings, and many of them are asking for my card.  I am about to grow into a real business, I’ve even secured an intern.

This is really overwhelming.  All the while, I have no one to share this experience with.  No one to understand how you can be happy and petrified all at once.  This business is just mine.  No one else can fully grasp this feeling.  I should be thrilled, and I just want to hide behind the scenes and wait for it to end.  People can see my drawings and say my name all day long, I just don’t want to have to shake their hand and stand in front of a crowd of people all looking at me with a dumbfounded, petrified look on my face.  And this man, he is one of those people looking… he has been so instrumental in giving me praise and toting me around at networking introducing me to the some really influential people.  Beaming and looking so wonderfully into my eyes because no one knows what he and I are doing; and it feels good to the the twinkle in someone else’s eye.

So I have to tell him.  He thinks I am this courageous and unfaltering businesswoman / interior designer, and I just don’t want to hide anything from him.  My anxiety is pretty moderate, where it had been non-existent for months.  My depression is detectable, yet not quite noteworthy.  And my paranoia, well, let’s just say its back.

When I tell him I am nervous, unable to make eye contact, and I feel weak and worthless saying the words.  In other dating situations I have boldly stated my circumstance and have been accepted… everything was going wonderfully with this man.  And now I haven’t heard from him in a few days.

He has not returned the two texts I sent.  One regarding a big launch he was set to have at his job, and another a day later inviting him to join friends later in the week for a drink.  So when I say he “hasn’t returned my texts” I want to state that I’m not in panic mode sending out dozens of ‘needy, clingy, girl’ texts.  And I know better.

But the striking thing is that this three day lapse in response (with my noticing that he received and began to respond to the second message and then bailed) has caused a wave of distress in my day today.  I left my business today to have a pedicure and wine, I have been bugging my friends all day about it, hoping for some answer that makes sense, I even texted my ex for advice.

And that is when it hit me.

I am not well.  

It is not this wonderfully supportive and intelligent, charismatic man that is causing this stress.  It is my monster.  Perhaps this man has been dissuaded by my revelation of my illness, or maybe he is just busy and hates texting (as he has stated to me several times in person).  But either way, it is not okay for me to be this distressed about this situation.  So anxious that I am unable to get work done.  So much so that I texted my horrible excuse of a man ex, for dating advice.

Men are my trigger, and my ex is my “safe haven.”  When things go wrong with a potential suitor I go running back for validation from all of my friends, but I am never satisfied until I hear my ex tell me to calm the fuck down and give me his approval.  There are a multitude of things that are wrong with this, but at least I have recognized a pattern.  And when you are bipolar a pattern can be a saving grace.

The things that keep me healthy have fallen to the wayside.  This pubic project has put me at so many hours I haven’t been to yoga in two months.  I have run only a handful of times in those months as well.  I have stayed up into the wee morning hours working on presentations, gone to networking and drank far too much alcohol, stayed out too late with this man on occasion, still made time for friends, and I looked around me today and just said, “enough.”

It has to go back to just me.

I am still upset about him, and worried that he has changed his feelings for me because I am bipolar, but really in the end its not so much a potential rejection that hurts with this.  It is knowing that one little fact about yourself can change the way an entire human being thinks of you.  No matter how talented, impressive, kind, caring, funny, or wonderful you are…you could be bipolar.  And suddenly all of those other qualities disappear, leaving you with only one descriptor.

-M

Run

It’s amazing how easy it is to forget.

My running shoes were doing more harm than good.  My feet were swelling and I stopped running until I could buy new shoes.

It’s three weeks later. 

I also have had to skip yoga three weeks in a row because I’ve been busy with client work.  That is a good thing, but boy I had a rough day today.

So I closed my office up early and went and got the shoes I need.

I ran and ran and I have to say, I kinda sucked at it.  It has been a while.  

But I feel so much better already.  I’m going to have to remember not to forget. 

Exercise is the one thing that is keeping me out of ECT.  And I am gonna keep on running from that procedure room.

No matter how many steps it takes! 

-M

Acceptance Letter to My Illness

Dear Bipolar Disorder,

While you were not initially welcomed with open and loving arms into my life, I have since come to terms with the fact that you and I are lifelong partners.  I am sorry that it took me so long to realize that I needed to listen to you and learn from you, so that I could better help you.

You are pretty tricky, my friend.  Sometimes you keep me up all night when I need sleep the most, and other times you make me so tired I can’t get out of bed all day long.  You make me grumpy with people who mean no harm, and you constantly encourage me to question myself and my judgment.

Not everyone likes you.  Many of my friends and boyfriends have packed up and left for good because you reared your ugly head too many times and they just couldn’t take it anymore.  It is better now that we found out what medication routine works best for keeping your irrationality at bay.  The ECT really knocked you on your ass a little bit it that regard.

Sometimes you lie to me.  Sometimes you make me think that I am worthless, and that life is not worth living.  You make me doubt my greatness, and question my inherent talents.  And other times you lie to me in a way that makes me feel too good about myself.  You tell me that I am so great and build up my ego so much that I do some pretty crazy things and other people don’t react well to that.

Overall though, I am glad that I have you in my life.  Because once I learned how to start managing you and taking charge a little bit, I found that I wasn’t meant to fit into the normal measures of success that most people are.  You and I are not meant to work a 9-5, and being told what to do by someone else just really isn’t our style either.

If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have started my interior design business.  I wouldn’t have discovered how many things I am great at, and how much I love making my clients’ homes beautiful.

If it weren’t for you, Bipolar Disorder, I would have a bunch of friends in my life that don’t actually accept me for who I really am.  When I made the decision to be completely public about my illness is when my life changed the most.  And it was for the better.  Because of you, the friends I have are my true friends, thick and thin, and the man that I find will love me for who I really am as well.  Because of you I have been given the blessing of helping others by giving advice when they have mental health concerns or questions.

Let’s be friends from now on.  I know we are going to have some really shitty times ahead of us, and some pretty awesome ones too.  But I am not going to fight you anymore.  I am going to work with you, listen to what you are trying to tell me, and give you the attention that you need.  No alcohol when we are depressed, no coffee in the summer days when there is a lot of light in the sky, and no jumping right back to work after crossing time zones for travel.  I will try my best to give you exercise and keep going to acupuncture because I know you are really balanced when I do those things in addition to feeding you the medication that you need.

Yours Truly,

-M