Depression creeps when the sun sleeps…

Here I sit at the near end of summer and I caught myself giving some advice to a loved one.  “Watch the depression,” I said, “The season change is about to come.”

How had I not thought of this for myself yet?  Every year I tend to do much better in the fall when the over-stimulating light of the summer sun begins to wane earlier and earlier each evening.  However if I am not careful, I can easily become depressed, like so many others that face bipolar every day.

One day it’s sleeping in a little bit too late, the next day it’s sleeping in a lot bit too late, and if you aren’t careful three weeks go by and you are sleeping 12 hours a night every single night.

Some symptoms that I think are important to look for in yourself and others that you may be helping cope are as follows.

Loss of interest in social activities 

I don’t want to go book club, or even read this horrible stupid awful book.  Why on earth would I want to go to that AM seminar that I loved going to all summer, and have to force myself to meet new people?   Uh, go running with my buddy? How about I don’t and just lay down early tonight instead? (For the 5^th time this week)

No motivation to do hobbies

Write my blog? No.  Sketch?  Not feeling it.  Why on earth would I go harvest veggies from the garden?  I spent all summer just growing them.   How about I practice a little zoning out staring out the window and feeling sorry for myself instead?

No motivation to do or go to work

I can work on it later, I am self employed.  If I get my shift covered I can put in vacation hours for this week and still make money.  I hardly call in sick; one day isn’t going to get me in trouble.  I’ll get back in the saddle tomorrow, I promise.

Changes in appetite

Mmmm… I’ll eat later.  I have had enough calories today.  Wait, when was the last time I ate?  Yesterday?  Oh well, I am really comfortable here on the sofa, I’ll get to eat something before bed.

OR

                Food, food, food!  I want all of the food.  Artichoke hearts and pickles and bananas and chocolate?  Sounds like what I need in my belly right now!  Maybe a whole bag of cheetos will be fine just this once.  I’ll be better tomorrow; I am just so fucking hungry!

Inability to fall asleep or stay asleep

Just one more episode… I am fine at getting up to the alarm. I have five alarms set; it would take a moron to sleep through that!  Oh shit, I have to be up in 3 hours!  I guess I could just take a nap after work or in between clients tomorrow.  It will work out.

Inability to get the fuck out of bed at the right time

Oh no!  I slept through five alarms?!  How on earth is that possible?  Well, I am already late so I might as well take another hour so I can be super well rested for the afternoon and get a lot accomplished. (And then accomplish nothing.)

It may seem or feel so innocent at the time, but these tiny little habits can be the start of a really bad storm brewing.  This is what I have done to start making sure I am okay during the fall time change.

Monitor your medication compliance

Are you taking your meds on time every time?  Really?  REALLY?

Ok, just checking.

And if you aren’t, fucking DO IT ALREADY!  Figure out a new method, rhythm, routine.  Have someone help you, ask your doctor if you can take it during a different part of the day or night.  Do whatever it takes.  This is the simplest and best way to start getting back, or staying, on track.

Figure it out.  NOW.

Amp up the exercise!

I put it on my calendar, I run with buddies, I go to more yoga, I schedule hikes, and I refuse to let myself fall below 2-3 times per week.  Exercise, even just walking at a good pace, gets your heart beating and the good endorphins flowing!  I am no doctor, but this shit is the best natural medication on earth.

Not only does it work faster than any antidepressant it is free as shit to walk, run, or mosey on down the damn street.  Hell if you live in an apartment, they might have a gym.  If they don’t have a gym and you are low on funds, and live in a bad part of town you can walk up and down the freaking stairs and hallways of your apartment building.

MOVE YOUR BODY.  I swear it will help.

I sleep better, eat more consistently, wake up without an alarm clock, and am in a better mood when I am running, walking, yoga-ing, and moving!  This is not going to go for everyone out there, but I have been able to come completely off of antidepressants since I started adding exercise (which you will read all about in part 5).

Make additional doctor and therapy appointments

I go usually once per month to my therapist, and once every two months to my psychiatrist, when I am well.  When I know the season is about to change I double this frequency just for a couple visits.

I know it costs more money, and you might think you are perfectly fine, but I consider this to be insurance.  Three or four extra visits to the doctor is a whole hell of a lot cheaper than a 10 day inpatient stay at the psych hospital, and it could save your damn life.

If you are on a sparser schedule with your doctor, like once every three to six months, then maybe you can just plan to add additional appointments at both the spring and the fall time change.  It will be worth it, in the long run.

In past years I have had the doctor make medication adjustments at this time in preparation for the season change that really helped.  So, just trust me.

And if you don’t love your doctor, get a freaking doctor that you love and would recommend!  If you wouldn’t send your best friend to him or her, then why the fuck are you seeing them?  Get on it.  Get to it.  Make the appointments ahead of time and be well!

Sleep

There are a million things you can do to get adequate sleep, but it is really difficult to wake during a depressive time.  If you need a sleep aid, talk to your doctor.

I love yoga, meditation, acupuncture, reading, bubble baths, and various other things in my life consistently that help me with regulating my sleep.  Try everything, make a list, check off what doesn’t work, and find what does.

Some things take time.  If you are exercising, it will take a couple of weeks before you are sleeping consistently.  The same can be said of acupuncture and mediation.  The key with everything is consistency.

Take a break from booze

Most of you probably know that it is bad to drink and be bipolar, and if this is news to you, then you can read all about it in the section on alcohol.

We all make our own personal choices once we leave the doctor’s office.  I choose to share my choice with my doctor, but one thing I know is that alcohol messes up your sleep schedule and your mood.

So, if you are someone who drinks alcohol, maybe give it a rest during the changing season.  Alcohol isn’t going anywhere.  It will still be there once you overcome this change, I promise.  And you will be all the better for it.

I personally like to order a sprite with a splash of cranberry and a cherry on top, so that I look like I have a cocktail when I go out booze free.  If you want something more manly, just order a cola.  No one is going to ask you what you are drinking.  Then you can fit in a bit more, and save some money.

Inform your friends and family

Not only your 2am person has to be in the know here.  You don’t even have to tell your friends and family you are feeling depressed or down.  Just let them know that in the fall, your mood is likely to change because of the change in the amount of daylight and other social factors like the holidays.

Maybe just ask them to let you know if you are getting bitchy, or mopey, or declining every single social invitation.  This doesn’t mean that if you say no once, they have the right to interrogate you, but if it becomes a regular occurrence they will notice it before you do.  Invite them to share this with you so you can get well!

Make time to yourself

Blog, write a damn book, sketch, watch trashy TV, read a book, watch the sunset, go have coffee, take yourself shopping, play some video games, surf the internet and social media, go to a concert, or whatever.  Just do some shit that you like to do.

Tell people no.  You need some ‘you’ time to refresh and rejuvenate.  Finish that painting, write that song, drive to that far off destination, and make yourself your most important person.  Because you are!

In the fall we start getting back to obligations with school, holidays, events, etc.  It is easy to get bogged way the hell down and forget that we can’t contribute if we aren’t well.

So go do what you need to do in order to be well!

Here is the point to all of this.  Whether you are new to your diagnosis, or if you have been running your show for many years now, these little things will creep up on you.  But so what?  Don’t worry about it.

Diabetics eat sugar, and people with heart disease eat greasy food.  People slip up, we are human.  Accept this.  Acknowledge this. Forgive yourself.  Fix it. Move on.

Next year, you’ll know better.  Next year, you will be telling your family member how to look out for the early warning signs of seasonal depression.

And hey – I am proud of you, because you are going to rock this mother fucking season change like no one’s business!

-M

Acceptance Letter to My Illness

Dear Bipolar Disorder,

While you were not initially welcomed with open and loving arms into my life, I have since come to terms with the fact that you and I are lifelong partners.  I am sorry that it took me so long to realize that I needed to listen to you and learn from you, so that I could better help you.

You are pretty tricky, my friend.  Sometimes you keep me up all night when I need sleep the most, and other times you make me so tired I can’t get out of bed all day long.  You make me grumpy with people who mean no harm, and you constantly encourage me to question myself and my judgment.

Not everyone likes you.  Many of my friends and boyfriends have packed up and left for good because you reared your ugly head too many times and they just couldn’t take it anymore.  It is better now that we found out what medication routine works best for keeping your irrationality at bay.  The ECT really knocked you on your ass a little bit it that regard.

Sometimes you lie to me.  Sometimes you make me think that I am worthless, and that life is not worth living.  You make me doubt my greatness, and question my inherent talents.  And other times you lie to me in a way that makes me feel too good about myself.  You tell me that I am so great and build up my ego so much that I do some pretty crazy things and other people don’t react well to that.

Overall though, I am glad that I have you in my life.  Because once I learned how to start managing you and taking charge a little bit, I found that I wasn’t meant to fit into the normal measures of success that most people are.  You and I are not meant to work a 9-5, and being told what to do by someone else just really isn’t our style either.

If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have started my interior design business.  I wouldn’t have discovered how many things I am great at, and how much I love making my clients’ homes beautiful.

If it weren’t for you, Bipolar Disorder, I would have a bunch of friends in my life that don’t actually accept me for who I really am.  When I made the decision to be completely public about my illness is when my life changed the most.  And it was for the better.  Because of you, the friends I have are my true friends, thick and thin, and the man that I find will love me for who I really am as well.  Because of you I have been given the blessing of helping others by giving advice when they have mental health concerns or questions.

Let’s be friends from now on.  I know we are going to have some really shitty times ahead of us, and some pretty awesome ones too.  But I am not going to fight you anymore.  I am going to work with you, listen to what you are trying to tell me, and give you the attention that you need.  No alcohol when we are depressed, no coffee in the summer days when there is a lot of light in the sky, and no jumping right back to work after crossing time zones for travel.  I will try my best to give you exercise and keep going to acupuncture because I know you are really balanced when I do those things in addition to feeding you the medication that you need.

Yours Truly,

-M

I am writing a book

Yes you read that correctly.

I started last night, but have been contemplating this endeavor for years.  I’m not quite sure how to explain it, but I need to share this knowledge and this passion I’ve developed over the last 12+ years.   So last night I started answering some questions I found online for people who think they are serious about writing a book, and the last one is what I want to share with you today.

Why now?

My cousin, who is 10 years younger than me, attempted suicide a few weeks ago.  I wrote him an incredibly long email and realized that I was telling him all of the things I wish someone would have told me.  But most importantly, I wanted to tell him that it was going to be okay.  That he was going to get through this and the next bad dip too.  I wanted him to know that it was okay if the meds didn’t work, or if people treated him differently.  It is okay to be annoyed and mad when people walk around on eggshells with you and try to take everything away from you like you are a child once you are recovered, etc.  I wanted to hand him this book and say, “Here, let me read this to you,” only its not yet written.

———-

I may need some help from you guys and you might find me polling on topics like drug / substance abuse, or seasonal changes, etc.  But the aim here is to help.  When I was first diagnosed I was 19, and I had no one in my family or circle of friends who had any knowledge let alone experience of this.  I wanted a person to go to to say, “I’m thinking these thoughts,” or ” feel like I have been hit by a bus,” and have them say how that was expected, that was normal, and it would pass and be okay.  I want this book to be that friend, that comfort, that one quiet moment during a crazy place in your mind.

-M

Crashing from a manic episode… My analogy

The worst thing about being bipolar is that when you finally get everything just where you want it – medication levels, sleep schedule, social life, romantic relationship, and everything feels right – something small, something seemingly insignificant to anyone else comes along.

This small thing could be something as simple as the spring time change bringing more daylight, a change in your work schedule, or a vacation to the beach in a different time zone. Something so insignificant that you don’t even notice it at first, or think to worry about it in the first place.

But this small thing, this is like dropping a pebble in your calm waters. A slight ripple begins to move outward and it builds and builds, without your awareness of course. After all, it starts feeling like fun ride with some good waves. But before you know it, its a tsunami crashing down on your whole world, washing everything you’ve spent the last few years meticulously putting into place away.

Relationships are destroyed, jobs are lost, money and friends disappear, and you have to start all over. Every single time. And you can never seem to place the exact moment that tiny little pebble fell into your perfect little world.

I am 30. I’ve been doing this since I was a teenager. I’m tired. I’d give up the highs and the mania, I’d give up my creative talents and abilities that are so often attributed to people who live with mental illness. I’d never refinish a single piece of furniture or design another interior again if it meant I could be normal.

I want to be normal. I want to be able to drink alcohol whenever I want without worrying about getting depressed. I want to be able to go on vacation in another time zone without getting overstimulated and manic. I want to stay up late once in a while without it screwing up my sleep for an entire month. I want to be able to have a successful relationship with the man I’ve loved for nearly a decade without scaring him away every time I crash through the floor.

I want to know that when my parents are gone and I am actually alone on this earth, that I will be able to take care of myself. Actually, I think that last part is the worst thing about living with bipolar disorder…not knowing if there will come a day when you can’t care for yourself and there is no one else to do it for you.

-M