Social media is a killer for me. I have bipolar. Sometimes I’m normal, sometimes I’m depressed, and sometimes I’m a total shit-show on the inside. My problem is that my use of social media reflects quite clearly what is going on in my head to me. It is an outlet. But to others, it may seem like I’m a little too invested. Quiting has been on my mind, but it gives me anxiety to think about not knowing what is going on.
I made my decision to quit Facebook on Oct 29th during an incredibly intense panic attack. My boyfriend and I were having a small fight, which is one of my triggers, and I was losing my mind. He wasn’t feeling up for talking so he went to bed. (We don’t live together.) I was obsessed with keeping myself distracted from my anxiety to avoid the bad cycle I get into, and mindlessly scrolling Facebook was the only way I could do it. I was a mess. I was sobbing uncontrollably for hours doing everything I could NOT to post or comment and it hit me. This is a dangerous crutch.
So I disabled my account. Which, I will admit, caused me some more anxiety.
I own a small business and not only is it a good idea to have a Facebook page for your business, but I have a marketing firm that I pay lots of money every month, some of which goes to Facebook. So as much as I want away, I have to keep my business page from turning off.
October 31st
I found out that when I deactivated my account, my business page went with it. In order to keep the business page up, a person with a Facebook account has to be the owner. I refused to let Facebook keep me completely trapped, so I re-activated my account and used a secondary email to create a new personal page just so I could have the business page remain active, under the new “rogue me.”
However, in doing so I realized that I am the administrator on another page as well as the creator of some groups and an event I’m hosting on November 5th.
I transferred admin status to my new “rogue” account so that all my groups and pages won’t die without me. After all, I still want my friends to be able to enjoy those groups. But I could not transfer ownership of the event.
So until November 5th I still have my Facebook account. But I have removed the app from my phone and have ensured I only log in from my new “rogue” account to post things relevant to my business.
Each day of this month I want to write about how I feel, what I notice and experience, and comment on what it’s like to live disconnected after quite an awful addiction. Then I’ll decide if it’s worth getting back on again.
I will have a new category for these posts, and each day will be logged there.
-M
mybeautifulmonster 