The time changed today. Falling back usually means more energy for me, which is the opposite of what many bipolar people feel this time of year.
Season change always worries me. Will I over do it? Will I fall into a massive slump? Will I turn loose the monster? Will I become forgetful? Will I embarrass myself, loose clients, spend all my money, and wind up in the hospital? Most people just hate their loss of an hour in the spring and love the gain of it back in the fall. I fear that my entire life will fall apart, because that is what I know to be true in the past.
Looking back I can’t remember one single summer, before ECT, that wasn’t plagued by either a depression so severe I was on “suicide watch,” or on the flip side so manic that no one knew what the hell I was doing. In fact, both of these mental states have left me very unclear about how I have felt in long past summers since memory loss is a symptom of both depression and hypo-mania.
I have to say that this summer has been the most overwhelming and upsetting summer in my 2+ year remission that I have ever had. I was so fatigued I couldn’t climb mountains without stopping more than several times to rest, something that never affected me in the past. I didn’t make it to the top of the Great Sand Dunes, something I have accomplished before, many times in my life. Even just running a mile a day felt physically impossible. So I just stopped trying.
Maybe I was just manic in the past, and that is where the energy came from? No…that can’t be right. Maybe I am just slightly depressed this year and there is less energy? No…I couldn’t feel more positively about my place in this world right now.
So what then? This is the longest period of time I have ever been so consistent. I get up in the morning, I go to bed at night. EVEN ON WEEKENDS. It’s super weird, and super awesome to feel like I finally fit in with the normals…only, something isn’t right because I am still so fatigued.
I have moved through a few different diets, and landed on the gluten free diet this month, three more weeks of this and we will see if there is a change. Blood tests for B12, vitamin D, blood sugar, thyroid, blah, blah…are all coming back this week too. Perhaps it is not bipolar related at all, perhaps it is a physical thing? But that is not really why I am writing today.
Really I was just so sure in my heart that this time change is going to be the answer. Because every year I always feel so much better in the fall. I have never been to the hospital during the fall-spring it has always been spring-summer. The only problem is that I am traveling this week. Damn, I sure forgot about that until today.
I am traveling East to West: the worst kind of travel that a bipolar person can do-ever.
It is for my dear friend’s wedding and I wouldn’t miss it for the world. But I am going to have to be diligent about bedtime, waking up time, no alcohol, no exerting activity, no busy places, no caffeine, and no over stimulation. Last time I went to California, it was right before the spring time change and 2 months later I was on a hypo-manic roll so bad I landed right into the hands of the ECT doctor at the mental hospital.
Time is a scary thing for us, so watch yourselves BP friends. Lay low for a few weeks. No major decisions, no big spending, no extra activities. For some of us depression creeps when the sun sleeps. While for the rest of us, our inner night owls come out to play.
Be wise, owls.
-M
mybeautifulmonster 