Acceptance Letter to My Illness

Dear Bipolar Disorder,

While you were not initially welcomed with open and loving arms into my life, I have since come to terms with the fact that you and I are lifelong partners.  I am sorry that it took me so long to realize that I needed to listen to you and learn from you, so that I could better help you.

You are pretty tricky, my friend.  Sometimes you keep me up all night when I need sleep the most, and other times you make me so tired I can’t get out of bed all day long.  You make me grumpy with people who mean no harm, and you constantly encourage me to question myself and my judgment.

Not everyone likes you.  Many of my friends and boyfriends have packed up and left for good because you reared your ugly head too many times and they just couldn’t take it anymore.  It is better now that we found out what medication routine works best for keeping your irrationality at bay.  The ECT really knocked you on your ass a little bit it that regard.

Sometimes you lie to me.  Sometimes you make me think that I am worthless, and that life is not worth living.  You make me doubt my greatness, and question my inherent talents.  And other times you lie to me in a way that makes me feel too good about myself.  You tell me that I am so great and build up my ego so much that I do some pretty crazy things and other people don’t react well to that.

Overall though, I am glad that I have you in my life.  Because once I learned how to start managing you and taking charge a little bit, I found that I wasn’t meant to fit into the normal measures of success that most people are.  You and I are not meant to work a 9-5, and being told what to do by someone else just really isn’t our style either.

If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have started my interior design business.  I wouldn’t have discovered how many things I am great at, and how much I love making my clients’ homes beautiful.

If it weren’t for you, Bipolar Disorder, I would have a bunch of friends in my life that don’t actually accept me for who I really am.  When I made the decision to be completely public about my illness is when my life changed the most.  And it was for the better.  Because of you, the friends I have are my true friends, thick and thin, and the man that I find will love me for who I really am as well.  Because of you I have been given the blessing of helping others by giving advice when they have mental health concerns or questions.

Let’s be friends from now on.  I know we are going to have some really shitty times ahead of us, and some pretty awesome ones too.  But I am not going to fight you anymore.  I am going to work with you, listen to what you are trying to tell me, and give you the attention that you need.  No alcohol when we are depressed, no coffee in the summer days when there is a lot of light in the sky, and no jumping right back to work after crossing time zones for travel.  I will try my best to give you exercise and keep going to acupuncture because I know you are really balanced when I do those things in addition to feeding you the medication that you need.

Yours Truly,

-M

Meeting someone new

So, it’s been a few days since, but I met someone the other night and I think I really like him (gasp)! I’ll spare the details and just say, he’s peaked my interest and I’ve spent a lot of time with him and am just a giddy ball of girly energy that just can’t stop fantasizing…

My problem isn’t that I really like the energy this guy has, or the fact that I’ve met someone new. My problem is, knowing when to tell him about my monster.

This is starting out quite similarly to the way my relationship with the man I loved so, so much started. Hard and fast, and not needing to be forced. I really think God is trying to show me that I can fall for someone just as good, if not better.

Most girls would be ecstatic, but I’m sitting here thinking about how invested I want to get before I tell him about me. I want to know right now if he’s the kind of man who would be willing to deal with the dark days, because as much as I loved ‘papadog’, that was the ONE thing he could not do. And that is, unfortunately, the most important thing.

If I tell him right away and he’s not cool with it, then at least I don’t end up with a broken heart down the road. But I also really feel like I need this in my life right now. A man to adore me, to make me feel good physically and emotionally, someone completely unaffiliated with my friends or ex that could show me a whole different world and introduce me to new things and people; even if he’s only in my life for a short time.

Ah, the conundrum! Until I figure it out, I’m just going to keep having fun with it I guess, but sooner or later the question of getting serious will come up in this world of dating, and I am terrified.

-M